April Horoscopes | Guaranteed 100% Accurate

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

This rainy season, remember that there is not actually any omnipotent celestial force conspiring to “rain on your parade.” It is trying to baseball-sized hail on your cranium, however.

Feb. 19 – March 20

Your dismay over your university basketball team’s loss in a national tournament fades when you realize it has no effect on your life whatsoever.

March 21 – April 19

This month, your ceaseless letter-writing campaign finally puts an end to General Motors’ policy of reading letters.

April 20 – May 20

The stars aren’t sure how best to break it to you, so they won’t.

May 21 – June 20

A friendly game of Mad Libs quickly turns to disaster as it becomes clear you know no adjectives besides “bootylicious.”

June 21 – July 22

Even in a disastrous job market, take heart: With hard work, the love of your friends and family, and a pinch of luck, you can still make it into a fine career offering financial stability, the respect of your community and a deep sense of personal fulfillment.*

July 23 – Aug. 22

Nobel Prize-winning human rights activist and author Elie Wiesel arrives in your kitchen this month to recommend a new way to organize that sloppy Tupperware drawer.

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Your pride at having prepared a pot of Czech beef goulash from your grandmother’s recipe is best expressed by multiple close-up Instagrams of the off-brown, vomit-like mixture posted to your acquaintances’ Facebook feeds.

Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

Your flagging faith in Catholicism is renewed by Pope Francis I’s instatement of a new papal regalia by Juicy Couture.

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your reaction to One Direction member Liam Payne coming out in public support of LGBTQ rights this month will correspond appropriately to your position on LGBTQ rights.

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Your life’s dream will be realized by a French dip and sweet potato fries platter, when the lucky dinner gets to go backstage at this month’s “Manilow on Broadway” concert.

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The worldwide religion that springs up around your life and teachings this month features as its central tradition a weekly communion of Red Bull, ramen noodles and 7-Eleven brand gummy worms.

*April Fool’s!

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