Sean Collins-Smith
Staff Writer
If you’ve seen the preview for “Clash of the Titans,” you’ve seen the whole film.
No, seriously. There’s nothing in this 3D remake that hasn’t already been revealed through the countless trailers, TV spots and flash-advertisements that graced TV and Web sites for days leading up to the movie’s release.
In fact, one might be inclined to make the argument that the previews themselves were better than the feature. They were certainly more interesting.
This new take on Perseus’s quest for vengeance against the gods possesses none of the self-awareness of the 1981 original—that film at least, was cheesy, and proud of it. The new “Clash,” as directed by Louis Leterrier (“The Incredible Hulk”) is “Gladiator” meets “300,” but has neither the dramatic gravitas of the former nor the hyperbolic bloodiness of the latter. It’s about as serious as a heart attack—just as much fun.
One of the many problems is that the film has an identity crisis. It doesn’t know whether it’s a sword-and-sandals epic, a Grecian tale of honor or a creature feature. Sam Worthington, as Perseus, has the growl and furrowed look of Russell Crowe, but is given a barebones script to work with. Heroes come and go on screen, without any dramatic heft, and therefore no reason for us to care about their motives. The one character that understands our pain seeks out horribly awkward moments and makes quips accordingly and is dispatched so fast that we don’t even know he’s died until we realize the film has started to suck even more. Like the others, he simply exists – and barely at that – to be killed later in the narrative.
That is of course unless we’re talking about gods, in which case their purpose is to glow or appear intangibly. This includes Zeus (played by Liam Neeson, apparently hungry for a paycheck, who appears to have been beaten with a glossy stick, and Hades (Ralph Fiennes), a balding, long-haired menace who speaks with an annoyingly asthmatic rasp. Both speak of honor and justice as if they were actually represented within the film, and proceed to leave nary a cliché line unspoken. “Somebody has to make a stand!” demands one of the characters. “You’re not just part man, part god. You’re the best of both!” declares another.
It would all make for great camp if the action was at least memorable, but even the fight scenes are boring, with not an ounce of creativity to be found anywhere. Perseus emerges from inside a giant bug-like creature (just like Tommy Lee Jones in “Men in Black”) and chases down a prize on a flying beast (just like Harry Potter in “The Goblet of Fire”), all while failing to register a blip on the excitement scale. Hell, even the climax of the film is shown prominently on most posters, so that isn’t even a surprise for the younger crowd who ventured into “Clash” without prior knowledge of the original.
So do yourself a favor: save some money, and rent the original. You’ll have a blast laughing at the stop motion and can rest assured that being frozen in a pillar of stone for the rest of your eternal life is more pleasurable than sitting through “Clash of the Titans.”
Grade: D+
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